News Flash: Artichokes Are Disappointing

Artichokes are the most unsatisfying vegetables in the world. I decided to try steaming them today, and it took up all my energy and patience and all without a single satisfying bite.

The recipe called for a homemade lemon mayonnaise, which itself almost caused a breakdown as I had to visit the store a second time to buy more eggs.
*Blend one large egg (at room temperature) with salt and a squeeze of a lemon half in a food processor.
*When the egg is foamy and light, add 1/4 cup of canola oil and 1/2 cup of olive oil one drop at a time and then in thin streams (OH MY GOD!) until stiff.
*Season with salt and add more lemon juice to taste.
NOTE: using just the egg yolk makes a stiffer, more traditional mayo. Add a spoonful of Dijon mustard for real kick.

It wasn't until I was preparing the actual artichokes that I realized that I must document how horrible artichokes are.
Remove the stiff outer leaves and rub the exposed flesh with a lemon half to reduce browning.With a very sharp knife, cut the top third of the artichoke off. If any sharp points remain, trim them with kitchen shears.Chop off the stem and with a paring knife neatly carve the base of the artichoke flat. Rub with lemon to prevent browning.Carefully spread open the flowerhead (sharp points) to reveal the choke. I was scared that something was going to snap my fingers off at this point, but I think you'll probably be okay. With a melon baller (god, I wish I had a melon baller) scoop out the thistle of the choke. Really dig in there firmly and scoop out everything. This is the most disheartening part of the job because you have basically removed most of what you bought. Seriously dig in there until no fuzzy hair can be seen. Squeeze a lemon into the center all over the heart.Now soak in an acidulated bath of lemon juice and ice water until you are ready to cook.Place artichokes in stem-side up in two inches of boiling water in a big pot. Put crushed cloves of garlic, a pinch of salt, a scattering of peppercorns, a sprig of thyme, the juice of one lemon, and the juiced lemon rind into the pot. Cook for 25 minutes or so. A knife should easily pierce the base when finished. Cool artichokes and serve with homemade mayo. You may notice that I have not included a photo of the finished dish. That is because it sucked and was unimpressive. What was impressive was the waste create by the artichokes. This is for a single artichoke.

Lessons learned today:
1. I don't like mayonnaise enough to make it myself.
2. Artichokes are stupid and far too wasteful for our suddenly waste-conscious society.
3. Split-pea soup (the real dinner I had quietly simmering behind all this artochoke chaos) is really simple to make and tastes good.